‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘I am at a loss for words.’
‘I am stunned speechless.’
Language is so terribly clumsy for expressing grief.
And yet, Let me try to find some words to broach this subject. I feel compelled, as grief is too much to bear alone or silently.
As I get older and older, I see that I must build this skill. This being willing to talk about sickness, aging and death.
Two of my women friends were diagnosed and treated this year for breast cancer. One of my best male friends diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor.
A dear friend died in early September, age 74. And then a week ago, the partner of another of my dear friends died, age 42.
I suppose I could say these events were all unexpected. But of course. Who among us thinks that death is imminent? A minority. Even those like me of an advanced age, we’re still having our medical check ups and procedures, and diligently taking our medications and vitamins, and in any way we can prolonging life.
My friends and family who have now, or have had, strokes, cancer, Parkinson’s, along with these recent deaths are all harbingers.
What are they announcing? 1) That even though I think that this can’t happen to me, it certainly will, in one form or another, and, 2) best get things in order: relationships in particular. Spring for that o/s trip. Green bag and downsize. Say ‘I love you’ often. And be grateful for this day and the people you encounter.
It’s likely I will never know the right thing to say. And maybe just sitting with the awful unfairness of dying and death and opening the heart is a useful pre-verbal stage. Especially when there is nothing to be said in the disconsolate face of grief.
Two of my favorite quotes come to mind here:
We are all just walking each other home. – Ram Dass
We are here to love each other. That is why we are alive. That is what life is for. – Maya Angelou
Whenever that vast question “what are we here for” confronts me in all its starkness and immensity, those words now arise every time: we are here for love, to love and be loved. Maya says it best. And I love Ram Dass’s beautiful words too. Thanks for the reminder Eve.