At the optometrist today, I caught myself wanting to cheat. If I squinted I could just about see one line more on the eye chart, and that would have kept me at the same vision reading as 18 months ago.
What is that kind of behaviour? In the end, I didn’t fudge my exam, thank goodness. But, after I left the optometrist, I had to reflect on the feelings that came up for me.
I noticed that I was competing with myself so I would get at least as good a score as last time. That is tantamount to wanting to stay the same or keep improving one’s performance on the yoga mat no matter what other factors might be acting as limitations (injuries or illness, for instance).
Furthermore, if I didn’t do as well in my eye test, it would mean that my eyesight was worsening, meaning that at my age, I had proof I was getting old.
What a shocker! I thought I was more embracing of my age. Probably I am overall, but I guess there are vestiges of reluctance. Does any of this make sense? I don’t think so – it’s just more evidence that feelings are not logical.
Fortunately I do accept that illogical feelings are part of being human. They bring us closer when we can share about our neurotic behaviours – some of which could even be seen as loveable.
I’m thinking that developing tolerance for the whole bundle of who we are is good yoga practice.